voyaging to perfection

I'm back

2011-11-01T22:26:00.000-07:00

So I'm back. 2 more weeks until waterpolo ends. It's done toning miracles, my legs have never been so strong or toned, but I've only lost about 3 pounds. I even fit in a few pairs of shorts I haven't fit for a long time. But I'm going to mexico in a little less than three weeks, and I'm still giant. I'm also still in double-digit pant sizes. It's driving me fucking crazy. So I've decided I'm back, and I'm back for a while. I've decided my calorie/fat intakes, too.

I'm going to alternate:

on days I have lunch with the friends who know (guess who found my sketchpad of thinspo at a party...) I will eat 1000 calories a day, and 7 grams of fat. Luckily I burn at least 700 calories a day at waterpolo, so I should lose pretty fast before mexico. Besides, the first 3 weeks are the best, you lose the most weight and flatten out the most those 3 weeks.

on days I eat lunch with the girls who DON'T know, I will eat 600 calories a day and 5 grams of fat. Also, fast on Saturday. I don't really work out at all on weekends, so there is no point in eating.

Also, I have new motivation. Better motivation. Chip is a thing of the past. Boys are a thing of the past. Glamour, beauty, and MAKEUP is the motivation of the future. I know, it doesn't really make any sense, but I've been watching these youtube makeup tutorials from this beautiful woman with high cheekbones and she goes to highlife parties with celebrities. She is stunning. And besides, have you ever heard anyone gush with jealousy about how much weight someone has GAINED? No. You don't. So I'm back, and I'm in for a big transformation. By next year, I'll be a thing of beauty. A thing of skinny pants and cropped shirts. Life will be perfect once I'm skinny. When you read articles of "reformed" diet freaks like me (I've decided I don't have an eating disorder really, because I have a goal, and will stop there) they all say that thinking life will be perfect once they are skinny is just not true. That you never really get there. They are insane. And, more importantly, they aren't me. They don't understand what it's like being my size. They don't understand the unbridled longing I feel when I see a pair of size 3 pants, or a cropped shirt. Or a glossy magazine. I'm not anorexic. I'm not bulimic. I'm just on a mission.

gotta get back!!

2011-09-04T16:30:00.000-07:00

If I weren't playing waterpolo, I would fast for the next three days. As it is, I have waterpolo, and so I have food. Tons of food. Ridiculous amounts of food. I've gained weight. And and inch on my waist. FUCK. So basically I have no idea what the fuck to do. I'm thinking just slowly reducing my calories until my body gets used to it. So screw today, today is fucked already. But tomorrow I'm doing 1500 (I know, still a shit ton), then Tuesday 1300, then Wednesday 1200, Thursday 1150, Friday 1100, Saturday and Sunday 1000, and then stick with that for a while. After a few weeks I'll go day-by-day down to 800, and stick there for a few weeks, too. By December, I want to be eating 600 calories a day. It's going to take time. I wish we just didn't have to eat. Eating is a damned habit.

;ailskhzv

2011-09-01T15:37:00.000-07:00

okay, so no one is posting anything. And no one is reading this. What's the point? Today, my coach gave all the girls a lecture on eating disorders. Seriously? Ugh. It was painful. I stared at my thighs the whole time.

stressed out

2011-08-27T19:41:00.000-07:00

I am so stressed. Waterpolo is great, but so difficult! And I have all this school work to get done. But today at dinner everything went to shit. I asked my mom to measure the olive oil the next time she uses it in pasta, and my dad flipped. He said I always eat too much, and take seconds whenever I want. It's like he hasn't been paying any attention. I am so ready to just kill myself, so I can get a fucking break. Seriously. This is bullshit.

fasting

2011-08-20T14:03:00.000-07:00

So I'm doing another 2 day fast. I haven't had anything to eat or drink today, and I'm going like that tomorrow, too. Monday I start my 6 hours of water polo a day until school on September 7th, so I figure I have to eat SOMETHING so I don't crash at practice, so I've decided on 500 calories a day, most of them between and before practice. Before practice I'll have a slice of bread (120 calories) and an egg (80 calories), and between practices I'll have a banana (100 cals) and 1/4 cup pretzels (50 calories) and 2 oz fish (50 calories). After practice I'll have 1/4 pretzels (50 calories) and 1 cup of soup (50 calories). Unlimited water, of course. Then it's like that until school. School makes life easier, because my parents can't WATCH me eat. Our classes are divided into 2 days, A days and B days, and they alternate. If I have math after lunch (Idk my schedule yet) I'll have my "big lunch" that day, but if I have it before lunch, that day'll be my "small lunch". Big lunch is half an apple (50 calories), 1/4 cup pretzels (50 calories), mixed celery and carrot sticks (20 calories), and a nonfat yogurt (80 calories) for a total of 200 calories. Small lunch is 1/2 sliced banana (50 calories, 1/2 an apple (50 calories), and a cheese stick (80 calories) for a total of 180 calories. On days I have a test, I can have a big lunch plus an extra quarter cup pretzels. If I don't have a test the following day, I have to skip lunch. I'll just say I have to study and sit in the library and read.

My family is going out to see a movie later tonight, and that always means, popcorn, coke, and the possibility of candy. Great. I think I'll be safe if I just get a diet coke and sip that contently. I'll focus entirely on the movie, not the food everywhere. There's bound to be some gorgeous, thin girl in it (there always is) and she can be like my thinspo for the movie so I don't eat. I can work with this. I hope. I might also get some sugar-free, fat-free candy and put it in my bag. I won't eat it, of course, but it'll be like a strength test. Or maybe I shouldn't, because I've been bad lately, and I'm very binge-prone and can't make myself throw up. I get like 1/8th of it up and hate myself even more.

think thin!!

water polo

2011-08-19T15:58:00.000-07:00

So I signed up for Water Polo a few days ago, and starting Monday we have daily doubles (3 hours in the morning, 3 in the evening) and I'm going to take advantage of this calorie blast! Assuming it burns about 700 calories an hour, that's a pound a day! So if I eat like 1000 calories total each day (it's a lot, but I don't want to get tired in the pool) that should probably be burned off just in my sleep and by living my life. I could lose up to 17 pounds in the days before school starts!!! WOOOOT!!!! Except I think I get Sundays off, so I could lose like 14 pounds. I'm still okay with that. Except I'll gain a lot of muscle and that has definite weight., but it also tones flabby places so I look better faster.

Today I was trying on outfits for the first day, and I hated everything! I looked at myself in the mirror, and I was just like,"oh god. I look like a fat hooker." Nothing I put on worked. At all. Even things that are normally slimming, like my black mini skirt, just made me look so BIG! I hate it. I hate this. I hate food. I don't want to have a body, or to eat. I just want it to be nonexistant, so I don't have to worry about it. I've already eaten so much today. Dear god, what is wrong with me?!?!

naughty

2011-08-05T16:36:00.000-07:00

I've been a bad little girl recently, eating upwards of 1000 calories a day. Today, 700 already. I know that's considered "healthy", but you know what? Fat isn't healthy, and I'm going to spend a lot more time BEING thin than getting there. I just need to immerse myself in the Ana world again, and I can get my senses back. I haven't even gone to the gym in four days.

On the brighter side of things, Chip and I finally got what we had to say out in the open. I got one of my amazingly thin, gorgeous dancer friends to "seduce" him and then knock his ego down. He guessed I was behind it, and we got at each others throats, saying everything we'd been meaning to. It was nice. We have a practice debate tomorrow against each other, and then my family is going to his families house for dinner on Sunday (how am I supposed to be a good little girl, and eat a full-fledged meal?? Maybe I'll just fast all day before hand, then save up calories) and hopefully that'll go well.

Wish me luck, and better eating!

love, A

fatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatFAT

2011-08-01T21:06:00.001-07:00

700 calories and a crappy workout today. Feel like shit. I will never not be fat.

fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck.

2011-07-30T22:35:00.000-07:00

I hate this. I hate everything. Chip has a crush on the school whore, we'll call her R. Here'a a picture of her.

if you look at her legs, you can tell she's tiny. A tiny little thing. And I was happy I got below 200 pounds on a fast. She's below 100. How can I compete with that?? Even the smart, kind, funny guys just fall for the skinny girls. I feel so ashamed for ever having eaten. I want to die. Of course the day I finally talk to him, he tells me about her. How they've only hung out once and the only thing that kept him from getting to second was her parents. He's giving me all the details. I need to die. I just took 4 laxatives. Tomorrow is 300 calories, and then that's it for the rest of the summer. Coffee for breakfast, laxies for lunch, and those who skip dinner will always be thinner. Oh, and did I mention she's five feet tall? I'm five foot ten. Fuck the world.

Bread makes you fat

2011-07-30T14:46:00.000-07:00

So I failed, again. I didn't actually eat, I chewed and spat a third of a piece of bread, and I suspect I digested about 5 calories from that. But any calories digested from any food are bad calories. So I feel like a failure, and I'm going to add an extra day to my fast because of it. I feel disgusting, like a fat cow. I am a fat cow. I will never be thin if I keep this up. So I took 2 laxatives to hopefully wash some calories out of my system, and I'm going to the gym later today. I had 25 calorie coffee, 25 calorie FRS drink, and 5 calories of bread. Stupid bread. But if I keep the calorie count under 100 calories, I should be fine. I hope. I'm weighing in at four, and I hope to GOD that number doesn't have a 2 as the first number. If it does, I don't know what I'll do. I'll probably die. Stupid bread.

GOAL

2011-07-30T13:00:00.000-07:00

So I have a goal. Besides the current goal, which is to be under 200 pounds by the end of this fast, so I guess by the end of today, I want to be fifteen pounds lighter by August 27. One of my best friends is throwing a huge party, and I want to be thinner for it. That's about a pound every other day. That's doable, right?? How do I hide it from my fat nutritionist (is it legal to be fat as a nutritionist?) and my family?? I was thinking about buying leg weights, like for running, and strapping them to my thighs and wearing a flowy skirt when they weigh me, that way it won't look like I've lost that much weight. But for the party I can wear something cute, and hopefully have legs worth showing off by then. If I stick to my daily routine at the gym, where I burn approximately 1000 calories a day and eat 500 I should be fine. If I burn 1400 just living my life, then the extra 1000 at the gym, I can lose the weight in time. Plus my legs will be toned from working out. Maybe I should add an extra 20 minutes of cardio... I'm ranting, sorry.

So apparently Chip has been trying to text me (BS!) but I just haven't been getting them. Yeah, so apparently my sister is all buddy-buddy with him now, and they discuss me. He had BETTER not tell her about my eating habits. If he does, there will be serious trouble. Ugh, he is terrible. Really, truly terrible. I don't want to talk to him. At all. Ranting again.

Party here I come!!

First day fasting

2011-07-29T20:04:00.000-07:00

So today is my first day fasting, and I've succeeded (almost, we have a few more hours until the day is done!). For breakfast I had a cup of coffee, then a cup of green tea, then for lunch I had a diet Dr. Pepper, and then more green tea (I've really found a liking to it) and for dinner this FRS healthy energy drink thing. The coffee was 25 calories (I had milk in it) and the FRS is another 25, the tea and diet soda is all calorie free. So that puts me at 50 calories today. I say that's a day well spent! I want to lose just 2 more pounds by the end of this fast (I lost 2 since yesterday, possibly water weight but when that's gone it'll go to fat, so it's still weight well lost) and then I'll finally be under 200 pounds! I know, I'm huge. But that's why I'm here, and that's why I'm at a 50 calorie count for the day. It's all really quite exciting. I love this empty feeling, I feel like a waif. I think that's my word of the day: waif.

So I've started reading a book called Wasted by Marya Hornbacher. It's a memoir of a former anorexic/bulimic. The beginning is all about why she quit and all the reasons it's bad for you, but frankly I'm not even close to ready for recovery yet. I'm not even close to thin. My thighs still touch, and my stomach still sticks out, and my hipbones don't. But then it gets into her experiences with it, and it's really nice to have something to relate to. None of my friends are pro ana, and I can't tell anyone about it. Except Chip, who already knows, but we still aren't talking. Now I'm rambling, sorry.

I'm watching a movie, Emma, with Gweneth Paltrow, and she is so so thin in it! It's actually great thinspiration, because her friend in it is a big of a chubster. So I just keep saying in my head, I want to be Gweneth, not her fat friend. Right now I'm her fat friend, and by ignoring, or learning to appreciate, this hunger, I am getting closer to being Gweneth. God I'm hungry though.

I made my sister dinner, and it was strangely satisfying. The feel of the heavy loaf of fresh-baked olive bread in my hands, and the consistency of the cheese and swirl of the soup. The smell, too. Delicious. I felt so powerful for not eating anything, not even tasting or licking my fingers. I felt almost thin. My sister just walked in and handed me a Popsicle, but I told her I'm not hungry. She's starting to put on weight in her thighs and stomach, she's almost as big as me now. I'm watching her eat a chocolate iced cream cone right now. I can't wait until I'm thinner than her. It will be a great feeling.

think thin!

A

Fasting!

2011-07-28T21:27:00.000-07:00

So after today's fateful binge (no, I did not stop at the milkshake, that's how dumb I am) I've decided to do a 2 day fast. I figure I can still drink stuff (coffee, tea, SOME milk, water, juice, etc.) but no real food. I'm not feeling well after that binge, so I've decided to stay in tomorrow (also a good excuse, for my family, not to eat) and then the day after I'll make plans with friends and tell my friends I ate a lot with my family, and when I get back tell my family I ate a lot with my friends. But working out the day after tomorrow will be difficult, because I generally have pretty intense workouts. Tomorrow I should be fine because I've worked out on an empty stomach before, and it's no more than uncomfortable. But the second day? Idk. Maybe I'll just keep it light.

I have never done a fast before. Or I've tried, but never succeeded. But I'm determined this time. Tonight's binge was UNACCEPTABLE and if I just pretend it never happened, those pounds won't go away. I have to make up for lost time and gained weight and fast this stuff off. Two days. I can do it. I'll always make sure I drink the milk, and pour the milk, etc, in front of my family to give the illusion of consumption. Ugh, people keep asking me if I'm eating all I'm supposed to on my food plan. I say yes. The answer is no. But that's their fault. I bet I can distract myself tomorrow by walking to the mini mart and buying a diet Arizona iced tea. Then I can get out of the house and out of the kitchen. And out of my room. I've been locked in my room since I got back from camp four days ago, and frankly it's starting to look suspicious. Maybe I can walk to the store, buy the Arizona, then come back and watch the news with my dad. That way I'll look normal. Plus the sun from the walk will give me a healthy, nourished look. And I'll swipe a little coral blush on, too, to add to the affect.

Please comment your advice and your own bingeing/fasting stories!!

love you my skinnies!
A

ARG!

2011-07-28T17:11:00.000-07:00

I am so mad at myself right now. I drank a strawberry milk shake. It was so stupid. My sister was upset, so she drove me to sonic, and offered to buy me something in return for listening to her rant. I am so stupid. I deserve to be fat. I just took 7 laxatives, and I hope that'll drain some of the calories from me. My mom also said I could make my own dinner, so I'm either having 50 calorie veggie soup, or nothing at all. I am so weak. How could I give up so easily?? All it took was the OPPORTUNITY and I was bingeing. I hate this. I will never be thin. I can never be thin. I want this more than I have ever wanted anything, and I give in so easily. I hate myself. I hate my fat. I hate everything that I am, because I am so damn weak. I want to die. I want to die. Should I just give up and ruin the rest of the day, too? Ana, I need strength. I need something to give me the power to be what I know I can be. Someday, I can be thin. Someday.

yeah, so that's me if I keep this up.

purge fail

2011-07-28T11:42:00.000-07:00

The rest of my family is fighting again- of course- so I took the opportunity to try to purge, but it failed. I ate vegetable soup (50 cals) and got maybe half a carrot slice up. It was pathetic. I was leaning over the toilet with my fingers shoved down my throat, gulping water, and nothing would come up. Nothing. I am a failure. I can't even succeed at my biggest flaw. So I gave up and retired, broken, to my room with a yogurt (140 cals, eewy). So that puts me at 266. Also, I lied on my food chart for my doctor, and added a tuna sandwich, a plum, 12 crackers, and 2 oz cheese. Could you imagine how horrid I would be if I ACTUALLY ate that much?? It's insanity! No one actually eats like that.

2011-07-28T11:03:00.000-07:00

Dear Chip-
You are the only one who knows about my ED. And now you have completely abandoned me, so I have turned to locking myself in my room and reading endless blogs of people going through the same crap I am. And, ever since you left, I feel guilty about everything I eat, not just the binges. I tried to purge after eating 2 egg whites this morning. It wouldn't come up, because there really wasn't anything to come up. In the past I would have just called you and told you everything, but now I don't trust you at all. I don't think I ever will. You think YOU'RE the one being hurt by all this??? Well you aren't the one who heaves over the drain EVERY DAY.

Thank you for messing me up even more, I really needed it.

A

I don't think I can deal with this situation any more. I need to go to the gym and just burn those damn calories and get on with my life. This won't happen to me when I'm thin. When I'm thin, I won't need him. Right? Right...? Ugh my stomach hurts.

the eating disorder specialist

2011-07-27T17:00:00.000-07:00

So before I started purging, I was diagnosed with binge eating disorder, which is basically where you eat and eat and it's terrible and you become obese. So today I saw an eating disorder specialist about binge eating disorder, and of course he asked me if I ever tried to purge. I said no (of course) and said I couldn't do it to start with, I've got an amazing gag reflex. He didn't look convinced, but that doesn't matter because even if he tells my parents, I can convince them otherwise. But it was super awkward as he asked a bunch of questions about bingeing. I actually told him I didn't have a good answer when he asked me to describe my average binge. My last binge was a good example, so I'll just tell him about that (Chip and I got in another fight that day, and stupid me went right to the giant bag of skittles, and with a debate in 10 minutes I had no time to purge!). But it was super stressful, and I think even my mom is suspicious.

Normally I would call Chip and rant about this, but the stupid boy hasn't come to his senses yet. Or maybe he has completely, and doesn't want to deal with someone with my issues. But when I get down to 130 pounds, all he'll be able to do is come back to me. Then he'll see what it's all for, and appreciate my perseverance.

Ugh I have eaten 910 calories today. I don't think that's even legal in some places. I also ate it all while out, so I can't purge because all the calories are already digested. It's so aggravating! Some days are great, and everything comes up super easy and I make it all day, but then there are some days like today when I give in and eat to my hearts content. Without purging. And I can't buy ipecac anywhere, and it's also scary because that stuff can kill you and there's no point to being beautiful and thin if you die 2 months later. Not worth it. I burned 701 on the treadmill today, so if I can burn a measly 209 more on the elliptical or something later today and purge dinner, I'll be fine. God, this is a terrible situation to be in. Any advice? From anyone? Please?

Stay hungry!
Ami

2011-07-26T18:34:00.000-07:00

"I Don't care if it hurts;

I want to have control.

I want a perfect body

I want a perfect soul"

-Radiohead

We have all been told since we were little girls and boys that perfection is impossible, and we should all learn to love ourselves. That models aren't real, and looking like that is impossible, and our body shapes are all unique and beautiful. It's exactly that kind of thinking that leads to obese America, and little fat ugly people running around everywhere. But you know what? Those models are real people who really do look like that, and no, not all body shapes are beautiful. All body shapes can become beautiful with work, but a chunky pear-shaped lady is not beautiful. Skinny is beautiful. Skinny is perfection. Skinny is in control of your life. The people who don't even try are the ones who should be looked down upon.

Chip is my dear friend. Or at least he was. Ever since I told him I purged we have fought like nothing else, and I am pretty sure our friendship is gone for good. It doesn't help that I have been in love with him for almost a year now. When I am down to my goal weight, he'll understand and come back to me. It'll be perfect, and he'll love me because I'll be beautiful. I hope to god he comes back to me. I keep not knowing what to do without him.

Stay hungry, stay beautiful.

Ami